By colormoods, Jun 26 2018 01:10PM
The theoretical set up was one thing — present the scenery in my head as an interesting, convincing and accessible body of work proved to be a completely different matter. I came to realize that despite my colorfully crayoned ideas theory and reality were light-years away from each other. I kept swaying between absolute conviction about the potential of my idea and the deepest, gnawing doubts in what I was (trying) to do. Who would be interested in the memoirettes of my sheltered childhood?
Over and over again I would drift off, losing focus… Was I genuinely producing relevant work for an audience or was I creating a little collection just to remind and reassure myself of my 30 year old mental souvenirs? Was I really processing personal experiences or had there been little clusters sneaking in that someone had just told me once or which I had picked up accidentally? Memories are slippery and sometimes, over time, they are are trailing off… So I spent a good amount of time knee deep sunken into the matter, rummaging and ‚evaluating‘ the ‘rightness’ of my memories, if in that case, a right or a wrong exists. Hasn’t got everyone their very own, unique story to tell? Who‘s to judge? But when I now look at my work, so close to the opening of the exhibition, I think it was worth to spend so much time contemplating, questioning, doubting. After a good sift, I ended up with what seem to be the ‚rightest‘ and most important images.
Sometimes though, when nothing seemed to work out or make sense, I was very close to give up, deeply frustrated about the time wasted and work done for the physical and the virtual bin. Eventually I understood, that all doubts and starting-overs were part of the process and the learning curve and I couldn‘t have done without. The direct, honest and neutral approach of my two tutors at Hull College School of art also sometimes threw me back by at least two weeks but also proved very helpful in order to pull me out of my creativity cloud where too many ideas where whirling, back onto firm ground... A structure started to form, a memory mesh if you like, which at last started to make sense not only to me. Things were going more smoothly and came out more naturally until I finally had worked myself off and was finished remembering (for now).
My solo show became reality, so exciting – a dream came true! Now I can only hope that my work will intrigue people. That they‘re enticed to join me on my journey to a smallish past with a huge event and eventually land in the here and now. Meanwhile, the Berlin Wall had been torn down for longer than it had existed but forget we should not, should we?